- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
- Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
- Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it "closed for remodeling." *Caution - leave air holes.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
- I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
- I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my hose on fire.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- Age is important only if you're cheese.
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